When she almost died on Saint Patrick's day, I panicked and believed if I didn't carry her last name I'd be shut out of all ER's in her future, which I saw a lot of. I was still working, so I wasn't thinking about money. It never occurred to me I'd become disabled and unable to support myself in any style I chose.
I wasn't earning a lot as an RN in the Keys, but I knew I could go anywhere else and make a good living.
I'm still in Key West, struggling a bit...I do like to keep a prosperity consiousness. I go to Emmet Fox "Sermon on the Mount" meeting q Wednesday and I just went to Unity last Sunday. God, it was so Christian and God-ish. If that had been my first time I'd not have gone back.
It's mostly because I isolate and I need to do things to force myself to be with people or I vanish into my Kindle and am tolerably happy just reading 24/7, or dreaming myself into the settings of the books I'm reading. But that's not good for me in the long run.
Know yourself. I took a class in metaphysics and got a friend in the bargain. That's more important than any lesson, though Sylvia would say otherwise.
I can be disciplined. It's a matter of believing there is anything in this Sisyphian world worth getting intense about.
She cheated me out of her death. Idiot. Truly she was delusional at the end. VA shrink declared her mentally well, according to Michelle. I felt I was travelling down the rabbit hole every time I walked through those sliding glass doors.
The sound of her scooter...chills. I still hear something that sounds like it and my heart races.
What did I miss? How have I not served? What will I have to justify or make up for? Not that there was any making up for. No, with an NPD, you can never make up for. You are every horrible thing they see in their own dark souls and project out because they can't bear to look and see they are alone in their bitter hatefulness.
And you? You are codependent, or borderline/fragile (living with an NPD will make you that way.--There's a horrible book about Princess Diana that talks all about her alleged personality disorders. You live with the King to be and see... how he cut her and cut her...sounds very familiar, her story and mine. We have the same personality profile, I can't remember the name, the Idealist/Healer/etc...
Scary, really. No place in this world for such as us.
That's not quite true. There is a place. 6 feet under, with Sid Vicious. All my treasured suicides. I used to think dying by sticking your head in an oven was cooking your head. I'd only ever seen electric ovens. It was seeing Death of a Salesman that woke me up.
That and an insurance salesman I worked for who used to talk about "taking the gas pipe" when sales didn't go well. Oh, my first real job after college. Pathetic.
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