My friend's mother was pregnant. Her youngest daughter was a couple years younger than (Susan) and I were. She was horribly embarrassed, as we all were, but it set a precedent.
Maybe my mother was pregnant?
Then I overheard her talking to someone, saying the doctor thought it might be pregnancy, but she KNEW it couldn't be. I guess that meant they hadn't had sex. Hopes dashed.
How did I know to even imagine a pregnancy? Was she talking about her waist expanding but not from overeating? Was there a mid-point when I thought maybe she was just getting fat with fat and in denial, though I would not have thought to call it "denial" back then.
Denial, that whole concept came later, with the 12-steps that brought me back to life then let me down utterly, but that was in the future.
I almost said "way" in the future, but it really wasn't that far off. I was 11 or 12 and the cancer was back. It would kill her in a year or so, got all the way to her brain before it did.
That's when I stopped believing in God. I mean, the way I saw it, the whole religion is based on how bad Jesus suffered on the cross. And I thought, he didn't suffer worth shit. Three hours on a cross? Big deal. Try getting breast cancer and have it eat away at you for years and years and just when you think you are okay bam it comes back and finishes you off.
Not before making your children hope you are pregnant with a child, not a tumor. I
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